It might just be me, but sometimes I have these moments of soul-searching thoughts that bring me to revelations of reality and it is not always a pleasant journey; however, I strive to grow from those moments instead of being imprisoned by them. After one such journey of thoughts and feelings, I later processed through it in my journal and wanted to share because hopefully I am not alone in this struggle. Like I said, the post is from my journal so it varies from a conversation between God and I with thinking on paper about Christians and God. Hopefully, it isn’t too confusing. Feel free to read it from your own perspective if applicable.
Lately, I have felt like I am failing our relationship. I don’t doubt You and my faith is as strong as it has ever been, but I have to ask myself am I really living my life in such a way that is pleasing to You? Are my thoughts, words, heart, and actions enough that You will tell me, “Well done, good and faithful servant,” when I stand before You in the Kingdom? Because those words are what we all should be striving for. Our goal and purpose…the crown of those who ran the race worthy of a prize. How do we do that? How do we truly live a life deserving of eternity? Just as Jesus instructed the expert in the law in Luke, “’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”, it all comes back to love. I try to treat everyone with kindness and respect rooted in love and helping people however I can, listening to people who just need to talk and sharing advice for those going through hard times. I grew up going to church and am familiar with the Bible stories. You, Almighty God, can work through anyone. You teach us how to love so perfectly through the lives of our forefathers and Your Son. All the time I am learning more of what it looks like to love people and I want to steward the love that Jesus possessed, but God am I really loving You with all my heart, all my soul, all my strength, and all my mind? Heartbreakingly, I think the answer is no. Sometimes I get frustrated thinking well what does that even look like today and how is it possible, but Jesus showed us exactly what it looked like and how to go about it, yet still I struggle.
As a person who has encountered the indescribable love of God before and been so overwhelmed by Your presence, I desire to hunger after You. I want to be so close to my Father that You are my first thought in the morning and I am constantly aware of Your presence all day long until You take me into dreams at night. After experiencing Your love, I want to need closeness to the perfect Father that is all powerful and gentle in the same breath. As the poem in Psalm 42 declares, “As the deer pants for the water brooks, so pants my soul for You, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.” That is my heart’s desire. I want to thirst after You, not resting until I am quenched. In the same moment of feeling discouraged, I am encouraged because the living God loves unconditionally, is eternally patient, and knows the depths of my heart. God, I desire to wait on You in return and know the very depths of the heart, Who created me.
A couple weeks ago I listened to a message titled “Try Harder?”* about this misconception that God is asking us to try harder, when in reality He is just asking us to come closer. I had lost sight of my word of the year and become distant with God. Oh, I didn’t leave Him in the desert when I moved to the East Coast or seclude Him to the pages of my Bible, but I did put Him at arm’s length, whether unknowingly or purposefully. There He stood, never leaving, only waiting and always showing me I can’t outrun His presence. My heart breaks to know I put that distance between us, but the ever faithful Father picks up the pieces putting me back together and says, “It’s okay, Daughter. I still love you with all My heart, all My soul, all My mind, and all My strength. Come closer.” You love me through every circumstance, never wavering.
I may not be loving Him with my all, all the time, but I want to and as I close the distance between us a little more every day, He promises to teach me how to love like Him and reveal His beautiful heart to me.
*The message was powerful and a beautiful reminder of God’s heart. For anyone interested in listening to it, I highly recommend it and can provide the link or information.